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Derailed again.

I came here to make that positive July post, but in the midst of transfering some photos I wanted to use from my phone, I got to looking at old photos of Sari and now I'm crying and I just don't know when it's going to stop hurting so much.

Is this really normal? It's been like... 3 months already, why am I still actively mourning and is it ever going to stop?


It hurts so much to look into that beautiful face, and yet I can't make myself not.


Someone woke up twitchy.

Alex made his first Twitch account tonight.
He'll be shitposting dank memes before the month is out.

God help him.


Ame Lynn Deal

I'm still going to be making the "positive July" post, but for right now, I have something a little more traumatic to write about, and that's Ame Deal.

You may not want to read this. It's pretty brutal. You've been warned.

If you know me at all, you probably know I watch a lot of crime documentaries. A lot. I follow real life cases too, especially when they're about children. I am very far from a bleeding heart; I like to see justice served. I like knowing that people who are so disgusting that they can harm or even kill a child, are put away -- or better, put to death. My only frustration is that it generally takes 20+ years for death to actually come.

One of the real life cases I've been following off and on for a few years is the tragedy of Ame Deal.

Ame hit home with me for a number of reasons. For starters, she was a terribly abused child. That resonates with me, although it makes anything I went through look like a vacation. Mine was mostly mental abuse. Ame's was everything.

This poor girl (whose birthday was July 24th, by the way) knew only savage abuse. The fucking monsters who administered it were her grandmother, her aunt, her father, her cousin, and her cousin's husband, and it was constant.

This is another reason why Ame's story hit me so hard. My little cousins know I would never hurt them. I would give my life to protect them 1000x over, with no hesitation. I would die the most terrible death for those kids if it meant they were spared of it. In 2011 when Ame's death occurred, Samantha, her older cousin who is charged with the murder, was 23. That makes her 13 years older than Ame.

That's the age difference between Alex and me.

If I were as twisted and grotesque as Samantha Allen, Alex could have been Ame. That makes me sick to my stomach to think about. Samantha could have been to that girl what I am to my cousins, and instead, she chose to be the exact opposite. It's chilling. It really is.

Ame died after being locked in a 32 inch trunk, overnight, in the Arizona heat. July is Arizona's hottest month. The lows are typically in the mid 80s, and the highs avaerage around 105. The official cause of death was heat suffocation, the same thing some children who are locked in hot cars die from. The science of it is that the temperature becomes so high, oxygen and carbon molecules react and produce carbon monoxide. Obviously you can't breathe CO, so you slowly suffocate.

Can you imagine the torment of that? You're crushed up in a tiny box and it's so hot, the air is having chemical reactions. That poor baby.

It wasn't the first time she was locked in that trunk, and it's not the only abuse she suffered. There are reports of being forced to eat dog shit, being beaten with a paddle they called the "butt buster," having to sleep in a shower stall with no pillow or blankets, being forced to walk on blisteringly hot sidewalks (sound familiar?) being trapped in the trunk while it's being kicked and flipped, and being forced to stay in "back bends" (hands and feet are on the floor, back arched) for hours. Your dad describes you as a "Pillsbury doughboy looking thing," and justifies the abuse by claiming your "mental problems frustrated others." No fucking shit she has mental problems after all of that. You're living in a house with your relatives, several other children, and you're the door mat. The other kids hate you so much, they deliberately get you in trouble, and as punishment, your family tortures you.

These other children were coached on how to lie to police because of course, they had to make the death look like an accident. As if murdering her wasn't bad enough, they tried to cover it up, saying Ame was playing hide-n-seek and got stuck in the trunk on her own.

Apparenty there were other people who lived in tents in the backyard, and they were the ones who busted the family on the abuse. One of them described Ame's bedroom as the shower stall, and told of how he listened to Ame screaming as she was being beaten for "wetting herself." Why this person never did anything to help Ame is beyond me. I don't know how anyone could ever be aware of such abuse, and just do nothing.

That's the third reason why it hit me so hard. All of these people involved at any time could have intervened, perhaps not directly, but just as effectively. Take photos. Take videos. It was 2011, for christ's sake, phones had cameras back then. Make an anonymous police report. Go pick up the god damned trunk with the child in it and drive to the hospital. Do SOMETHING.

After all of this, people are crying for leniency for the now 29-year-old cousin. Leniency? If I had it my way, she'd be locked up in a trunk of her very own and tossed into the Grand Canyon with the rest of her twisted, garbage family.

Instead, the sentencing is as follows.

Her father, David Deal, got 10 years.
Her grandmother, Judith Deal, got 10 years.
Her aunt and legal guardian, Cynthia Stoltzmann, got 24 years.
Her cousin, Samantha Allen, has been sentenced to death.

Samantha Allen's husband, John Allen, has yet to be sentenced.

We need to bring back public hangings for special cases like these. Stop wasting money on appeals, stop wasting money on life sentences, stop giving these monsters the option to get out of prison years before their sentences are up so that they can do it again. Wipe the human stains off the face of the planet and be done with it. They've been tried fairly, there's no question of their guilt. Just get it over with. I have no mercy for child abusers, especially for those who are as savage and heartless as these ones.

Poor Ame. My heart aches for you. In a different family, she could have been cherished and loved, healthy and happy, and entirely incapable of imaging the harrowing plague that her life actually was. There's no excuse for that level of barbarism. I look forward to the day when I hear that Samantha Allen, the older cousin, the potential protector and savior, the murderer, has finally died.

Hopefully her piece of shit husband will suffer the same fate.


Rest easy, Ame. At least it's over.
Later Days.

Polarized July: The Negative

Hello Livejournal,

I am now twenty-seven. That means I've been writing in you (and the pre-18 version of you) for around twelve years now. That's just nuts. Let me tell you, if your servers ever go down, I am going to be a sad pumpkin. I hope there is some warning so that I can waste a couple 60-foot trees printing out the entirety of my typo laden youth, and whatever the hell this is. Is 27 middle aged yet? It feels like it. I'm sure the 80-year-old version of me who is having this projected straight into her electro-signalling brain neurons is having a giggle at that notion.

Anyway. This is going to be a rather large entry, so let me stop rambling and get on with it.

Really though, what is life. July has been atrocious. My mom was in and out of the hospital THREE TIMES, and would have been more if I didn't try to get things under control on my own most times. It has been diarrhea filled torture. Literally. For some reason her liver doctor told her to stop taking the anti-diarrheal medicine she's been on for some 9 years, every day, twice a day. The result, BIG SURPRISE, was an over-eager poopie disaster -- or to be more accurate, 4 over-eager poopie disasters. My favorite one was when the toilet overflowed.

Aren't you creepers glad you read my journal? I know you love hearing about this stuff.

Anyway, when that blew up in his face (and all over my bathroom), he decided the obvious solution was to go back to her anti- #2 medicine, and take her off of her lactulose (which ironically, is a pro- #2 medicine). *sigh* Again, the obvious result is that she stopped going at all, the ammonia built up in her blood, and she very quickly became catatonic. I mean that when I say it. For the first time, I was unable to illicit any type of response from her, and she was carried out of the house on a stretcher. Good times. Makin' memories.

*shakes head* That same doctor decided she could be released from the hospital too early, and the past few days have been just awful. At least they weren't filled with liquid poo. That's something. On the flipside, Beth was around to witness me having an emotional break down because my mother wouldn't stop harassing me about everything under the fucking sun. Harassing. I mean that when I say it, too. She was harassing me. Example: "I'M PACKING MY BAG SO I NEED MY WIPES. I NEED WIPES. GET ME WIPES. I NEED THEM. GET MY WIPES. GET THEM." Every five minutes it was something new. Why? Because her ammonia, and likely her sugar as well, were all wonky as fuck and she was out of her mind. I'm getting a headache just remembering it. I seriously feel like I need a nap, now. Jesus.

Did I mention the night before she was released from the hospital, she called me 5 times between 2am and 10am? 5 calls, two texts, two voicemails, all within an 8 hour period. *breathes*

Yesterday, her sugar was so bad, I had to call an ambulance. It got as low as 34 at one point, despite the two brownies, two scoops of chocolate-peanutbutter icecream, taco salad with all of the fixins, and can of cherry pepsi I gave her. In fact, when we started the ordeal, her sugar was 40, so after all of that, it managed to continue to DROP. They came, gave her an oral glucose tube thing, fed her a peanutbutter sandwhich, and told us to call them again if there was a problem. In start contrast with the guys who came to get her a week earlier in her comatose state, these EMTs were quite pleasant.

The ones from the last week seemed to take issue with me though. I was perfectly organized and ready to go when I called them. There was no reason for them to be so short with me. They were though. One was downright rude, getting very judgy when I told them I wasn't going to the hospital with her. Quoted from my FB post, "I hate the look the EMTs give me when I tell them I'm not accompanying my mother to the hospital. I get it. It sounds bad. It looks bad. But listen... This is the third time in July alone that she's gone to the hospital, always for the same reason. Twice in June. At least once in May. More times than I can count throughout my life. This is routine. This is my life. I don't know what it's like to have a mother who does NOT end up in the hospital every month. It's also the only opportunity I have to actually sleep. It's fucking hard on me too, and very little people take that into account. Cut me some slack, please." Then when I tried to give them her totebag (filled with diapers, clothing, personal information, her phone, her teeth, a pair of shoes, and other necessities) they were like, "We don't have room for a bag. ):<" Well it's never been a damn problem before, and you seem to have room enough for me. Augh. That about sums it up. Augh.

This whole post is spiraling into a dark place, isn't it? Let's reel it back in. In fact, let's take a break. I need a break, because a few days later, she's still not normal. She is improved though, and things are less hard than yesterday, so let's focus on that. Now that you know how horrible July was, my next entry can focus on all of the good things that happened.

See you then. Probably tomorrow.

I don't appreciate this communication lockout.

I'm the one with a new tattoo.

Today I accomplished what everyone thought was impossible.
I squicked Andrew out. (Yay for new words!)

Andrew is 100% boy. When people use that phrase, "all boy," they're definitely talking about that kid. He is the king of gross, the master of inappropriate, the ruler of the repulsive... and I got a one up on him--

--by showing him a photo of my poison ivy while it was at its worst... And my swollen ear for bonus points.

Andrew: 99
Myste: 1

Something funny happened today, too. He wanted Alex to look up a specific video on youtube, so Alex is struggling for like three mintues straight to type, "I'm the one with a new tattoo," because the remote just was not cooperating.

Andrew sat there patiently waiting for Alex to type it out, bopping his head back and forth, and when youtube offered up no results, I asked him if he was sure that was the name.

He was like, "Nope, it's called 'My Replacement is Blue.'"



We all just sort of fell quiet, and Alex flipped the remote out of his hands and walked away.
Then we all laughed.
It was a good time. You had to be there.

In other news, I taught Alyssa what a serial killer was today. :D Oops?


Sometimes solutions aren't so simple.

Things have seemed harder than usual lately. I'm not sure if that's because they are harder, or if I'm just not up to par on my coping right now. Things just seem to be popping stitches; stitches that have popped and been resewn over and over and over and over again. With every broken seam, the edges fray apart a little more each time. Eventually I feel like all I'm going to be is stitching. My stitches are going to need stitches.

I'm just tired. I'm so tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's been worsening steadily since Sari died. I knew she was a great comfort to me and I expected this, but it doesn't make it easier.

Whenever things were especially bad, I'd lay down on the floor with her and conform my body along her spine. She'd lay her head on my arm and I'd put the other arm around her, or run my hand along her fluffy neck fur, and just watch it compress and floof back up with each stroke. Sometimes I'd just cry into that neck fur, and she'd let me. When I was done, she'd start grooming my arm or nibble my nose.

I miss that. Princess used to give me a nose lick. Sari used to nip at it. Now I've lost them both.

Grief is a crazy, brutal, stubborn thing.

Chester Bennington died a few days ago. He hung himself. He leaves behind an ex-wife, a wife, and six children between the two of them. The oldest is only 21. The twins are only 6. It's a fucking tragedy. Linkin Park got me through some shit in my life. They're not on the same level as Savage Garden, but they come in at a close second. I've been listening to them since I was like ten years old. I've owned four of their albums. I've listed Chester as having my favorite singing voice. I'd play Meteora on my CD player in the dead of night while I sat on my roof, hiding from my father. Now he's dead.

Why is everything so heavy, he asks in a song off LP's latest, and probably last, album. It's so much more than I can carry.

I get it. Not for the same reasons, but I get it.

You know, I remember when I first learned what suicide was. It struck me hard, that deep realization that people actually kill themselves, or want to die. I thought about it long and hard, being the freaky little kid I was. Not sure how old I was at the time, but it must have been pretty young, as it happened in the restaurant. So between seven and eight. I very distinctly remember swearing it could never happen to me.

But I get that too.

Sometimes life is just fucking hard.
You can't sleep. You can't rest. You can't unwind. You can't escape.

It's not worth it though. Thousands of people across my generation are mourning Chester, but I'm more sad for his family than for him. I'm sad for the people he left behind. Suicide doesn't fix the problem. It perpetuates it. It eliminates the possibility that things can ever get better.

My mom's ammonia is high again today. I'm tired. It's only been four days since she last got out of the hospital and my birthday is coming up. I was also supposed to go to a cookout tomorrow at Mandy's. Alex spent all last night gushing about how excited he was for it because he was going to make dumplings. At 3am, that boy was awake making origami plate decorations and harassing me for not knowing what a tetrahedron was. Now I have to disappoint him by telling him I can't come afterall. It hurts me because I'm going to miss it, but hurts me more because me missing it is going to hurt him.

He'll understand on the surface, just like most people understand on the surface.
But on an atomic level will be the disappointment, the doubt, the resentment, or whatever it is that he may feel about me breaking a promise. And believe me, he feels very deeply.

Things will get better though, someday. They already have in some ways. Five years ago, I wouldn't have suspected that I'd have a miniature me in my life who would want to talk to me about ginger garlic soy dipping sauce for the dumplings he was planning to cook, or who would text me just to tell me he made his first omelette and that Alyssa LOVED it. I wouldn't have dreamed to hope for someone I could tell that cooking was in his blood, that we have a long family history of it and that he is probably a natural, just like I was. I wouldn't have guessed that there'd be someone in my life who would burst with pride as he declares he's just a boy version of me, or that he'll, "always look up to me." With the family I got saddled with, really, who would have ever guessed?

But it happened, and it makes me glad I didn't check out of life early.

And shit, that's only 1/3 cousins. What are the other two going to become when they're Alex's age? The love between us is already strong. I can only imagine what it will become.

And South Dakota. That's another way life will improve one day. I'll be able to step out on my porch and breathe in the mountain air, then go back inside and enjoy living with people who I want to be around.

Life will get better, even if all I am by that point is stitches and frayed edges.

With all of that said, I'm going to go duct tape the locks (been a while since I've had to do that, eh?) and lay down, as I've not slept in over 24 hours now.
Later days.

..........oh. And there's this.

I didn't yet have any socks on my head, but ... well, it was only a matter of time.

Top 5 Anime Recommendations

Pete presented me with an opportunity to recommend some anime to him, so yay! Here we go. In no particular order...

--Erased (12 episodes)

Murder mystery/time bender
-- A guy has this weird ability to flash back in time several seconds and uses it in order to prevent simple tragedies (like a car hitting a child). After a traumatic loss in his life, he starts to make connections to a murdered friend of his in his childhood, and decides to try to change her fate.

(I loved this one so much. ~_~ Though the end was not exactly quite right in my opinion, the anime itself was freakin' magical.)

--ReLIFE (13 episodes)
Comedy/Time Bender -- A late 20-something who has no job, no girl, and basically no life is presented with a unique offer to participate in a social experiment that aims to rehabilitate the dunces of society. If he takes this little blue pill, he can go back and relive his final year of highschool in an attempt to turn his life around.

(I really liked this one too. It had a good mix of comedy and emotional satisfaction, especially for those of us (me) who would really appreciate a re-do.)
--My Love Story!! (24 episodes)
My Love Story
Comedy/Romance -- A very big and incredibly derpy guy, who is not romantically competent in the least, saves an especially small and cute girl from a groper on a train, and it kicks off a romance between the two.

(Don't count it out from the name or seemingly cookie cutter plot. This anime was absolutely hysterical. Possibly the best romance anime I've seen yet, beating out even Kare Kano (believe it or not). Takeo's expressions alone are enough to make this worth the watch!)

--Usagi Drop (11 episodes)
Usagi Drop
Drama/Cute -- After his 79-year-old grandfather dies leaving behind his six-year-old child, a 20-something man, disgusted by his family's snubbing of the girl, decides to adopt her himself. One problem; he knows nothing about kids, or parenthood, and is totally out of his depths. On top of that, Rin is a troubled and depressed child. The anime depicts a bumpy journey of establishing a father-daughter relationship.

(Suuuper cute. ;o; I watched this one years ago, but it has always stuck in my mind as one of the better animes out there. I really liked it, and I think you would too.)
and lastly,

--Tokyo Magnitude 8.0 (11 episodes)
Tokyo Mag
Drama/Survival -- A 13ish year old girl begrudgingly takes her little brother to see an exhibit in Tokyo. Unexpectantly, an 8.0 earthquake strikes and they find themselves stranded in an unforgiving and chaotic new world. Luckily, a young delivery woman takes the kids under her wing, so the three set off into the dangerous and ruined city as they try to make their way home.

(I wasn't going to include this one originally because I don't think it would be your favorite out of everything listed, but it is a must see for the simple fact that it exudes this all encompassing, engrossing intensity that only I've only ever been able to draw from anime. It's clear the studio and creators put a lot of love and effort into it. It's amazing. It's the kind that makes you fall in love with anime. Very underappreciated. I watched it all in one sitting, told Starr to watch it, and she watched it all in one sitting. Not for the faint of heart, though.)

Of course, there's still the short term commitment of Kimi no Na wa (2ish hours),
Kimi no
which I encourage you to go into blind, alone, in the dark, and on an HD screen.

Note: I watched all of these subbed, so I don't really know much about the dubs. I heard Erased's dub was good, and was repulsed by Kimi no Na wa's dub because of the god awful female voice. So. Take it as you will.



Attack on Titan
(25 episodes) but they go fast
Horror/Drama -- Mankind was forever changed when the Titans, giant human shaped monstrosities, appeared as a plague and wiped out the majority of earth's population. The only remaining populace exists within Paradis, a city stronghold made up of three walls that the titans are unable to breach. Life here goes on as normal for over a century, until it doesn't; with the appearance of a far more massive and intelligent Titan, the first wall falls and humanity is threatened once again.

("Epic" is far overused these days, but there's no other words to describe this anime. It's attracted and awed anime fans, new and old, and non-anime fans alike. It is a must see for pretty much everyone. Just don't plan on eating while you watch it. It's so crazy, it left me so tense after each episode, I had to watch it slowly, in chunks. It's a longer one, a full 25-episode series, but not nearly long enough.)


To finish off the preceeding post, let me just say that while I am williing to make ammends with my mother, I am done with the rest of those people. Done. I told them to consider me the new Chris (my uncle who basically alienated himself from everyone and then died without us knowing for a year -- I miss him) and that was that. I don't need these awful people in my life. Maybe some would condem my decision, but look; not everyone is born with a great family, okay? Some people are born with shitty assholes for family members, and the only choices available to that person are to become a shitty asshole also, or to sever ties. I am severing ties.

I plan to move to South Dakota someday anyway, so it's not like it's going to matter in the long run. I'm sure not going to invite them over for wojapi and buffalo burgers, or whatever the hell they eat over there. So fuck 'em. l:

The next day after this happened, Beth and I took her grandma to a doctor's appointment, a quick grocery run, and out to eat. I had the opportunity to run inside and buy her groceries, unbeknownst to her. I didn't want anyone to know but ended up being outed later when she asked for the receipt. It was only $20 and she deserves to be taken care of because she's a wonderful person. ;-; Getting to that, before she knew about the groceries, as we were dropping her off at her home and getting ready to leave, she looked at me with watery eyes and said, "Thank you for being the person you are."

She didn't know about the shit that just went down with me the previous day (see: Ungrateful little bitch; and other things my "family" calls me). She didn't know I paid for her groceries. But she thanked me for being the person I am.

How is it this person, who has met me only a number of times, is able to see something people my whole life have missed?

I know I'm not the best person. I have many, MANY, flaws. But I try. I try so hard, all of the time, in every thing I do, to have more of a positive effect on this world than I do a negative one. Yet, this is exactly what makes me the black sheep of the family, and they react how animals typically do to an anomaly in the pack. Crazy, isn't it?

I am lucky though, in some ways. I have managed to attract (or snare?) some very good people who I know will hold lifelong positions in my life. They see my numerous flaws and stick by me anyway, and I'm mighty thankful they do... Otherwise this life may just defeat me, because damn am I tired. At almost twenty-seven, I am so tired.

Gotta keep trekking, though. Can't let 'em win.
Later Days.

In a final note, I wish Chris were still alive so I could tell him I understand... that he's not alone, and I understand.


*takes a deep breath*

I have a great relationship with my cousins right now. I've talked about it over and over, but what I haven't spoken about much is Mandy. I am thankful for Mandy, because she is the only one I can really speak to about my "family" who gets it.

She asked about Sue, which lead to a conversation about Lucy, which lead to a particular facebook post Lucy made that said, "Ungrateful little bitch!" with a cheery, colorful background. (: I do not follow Lucy on Facebook, so I did not see this post. However, when Mandy mentioned it, I just got a feeling that it was somehow, for some reason, directed at me.

Well, just so there was no doubt, there was a post before it that explained it all.

"How can someone be so ungrateful when you try to help them that they say don't bother, it's not enough to do anything with it !?!?!? I don't get it???!"

Yep. Directed at me. And I guess when it didn't catch my attention, she decided to post a SECOND status, just to be sure I saw it.
Worst part? Its source was, of all people, my own mother.

I did not receive a full paycheck for two whole months. Long story short, our coordinator walked out on her job right in the midst of our reenrollment period and while she claimed she submitted our paperwork, she actually hadn't. In the scramble, we somehow got swept under a rug somewhere, and nobody knew what was going on. Meanwhile, we kept waiting for this woman to call us back, or for the paperwork to "go through," until I was so tapped out of money that I finally called headquarters and was like, "HEY. GET UR SHIT TOGETHER PLS."

In the meantime, my 1900/mo bills were going unpaid. I guess my mother told Lucy because Lucy came in to quite a lot of money a while back, and Lucy decided to try to send $100. My mother told me about it and I told her to tell Lucy not to worry about it. My mother asked why, and I said because $100 wasn't enough to pay even one of the bills (because I had already paid off the smaller ones) and that as long as my pay came in on the next pay day, we wouldn't need it.

Which somehow became, "Don't bother, it's not enough!!!"
Which Uncle Joey shared and Gwen commented about and my mother just let happen.

My mother talks behind my back, makes up all sorts of awful stories so that she can make her ---

BETH IS HERE will finish this later.