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You heal my soul.

Here comes a really gushy post about my boyfriend. Sorry. It's necessary. I'm gonna say some crazy stuff and I want whoever reads this to please ignore me. And be gentle with my typoing. This is an unfamiliar keyboard and I'm prooooobably definitely going to ramble. That being said...

Yesterday Jesse and I drove two hours south to see a house that looked really amazing in photos. I thought maybe it could be the one he ended up buying. Unfortunately, photos show only what the seller wants you to see, not what's necessarily there. It was a charming house with a beautiful kitchen. Like... my dream kitchen? And a round foyer. And it was on three acres with a double car port and another large two-story barn garage. It was basically perfect. Except, you know, for the shitty insulation job, the leaking ceilings, and oh yeah, the giant cracks all over the damn house. The foundation was just awful. The house is basically a tear down. It was almost a waste of a trip.

It wasn't, though. Not for me. The ride down was really nice. We listened to his music, and while I didn't know hardly any of it, I liked most of it. I really liked hearing him sing it. That boy has quite a voice. I could listen to him all day long. Some people can learn to sing, but there's a difference between learning and having a natural affinity toward it. While a lot of people can sing quite well, there's always that one who just blows everyone else out of the water. Jesse is that one. Maybe I'm biased. Or maybe he's just that good. How I'm ever going to sing around him, I have no idea. Maybe I just never will. >.> He makes me want to, though, and that's a beautiful thing.

Just as we were starting home, Jesse's mom called him. I introduced myself because I felt silly sitting there listening, and the next thing I knew, we were on our way to their house.


fun145_panic_button_300hand
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahgod, press it, PRESS IT.


It turned out rather well, though, I think. I wish I had looked... you know. Less fat. But aside from that, it was nice. >< His mom gave me a hug and pulled me into helping her hang ribbons on their Christmas tree. We went out to see the horses, which was pretty cool. Then the three of us went downstairs into their fancy, sound insulated basement music studio (hnnng) where Jesse pulled out his folder of music and did some playing and singing.

Now, I knew he was talented. You can't hear him and miss that. But I know now that I had no idea just how talented. He can basically sit down with any instrument and just... play. I guess yesterday was the first time I'd really heard him go all out. I can't wait to see it again. It's captivating. Especially when he plays something he's written. I got to look at some of his old songs, and wow.

I didn't know it. But I think I've always loved him. Or, I would have if I'd have known him properly. That boy, goodness. He's a tortured soul, in his own words, and clearly always has been. There's one song he wrote when he was 14ish that makes you wonder how someone so young could possess such profundity. The level of intellectual depth is astounding. I'm not going to post any lyrics, but they're deep. He's deep. I don't know that he really realizes how much more-so than the everyday person. I know he doesn't know how good he is. He doesn't give himself nearly enough credit, and while I wish he could see himself the way I see him, the fact that he cannot really adds to the charm. Plus, it gives me a reason to keep telling him. I do like at least that part of it.

I was truly foolish to resist him for so long. Maybe I was the one in need of something real in my life. But that's for another entry.

Things just got better form there. His dad and dad's friend Mike came down to join us, and at his mom's prompting, the three of them started to play and sing together. Mother, father, and son. The connection, aaaauuuhhhh, it drives me wild. Jesse singing with his mom while his dad plays the guitar for them? How do you put words to something like that? It's something you have to see and capture in memory, because no digital replication could ever do it justice. Jesse ended up on drums, his dad was on an electric guitar, and his mom sang, and they were just amazing.

My exposure to live music is pretty limited. I was even more starstruck because of it. I couldn't stop watching him. Maybe it's because I look at him, and I see my future. I see my whole life. I see someone I don't deserve by any means, am not even in the same league with... and yet I know when I look at him, that he is mine. I spent some time looking at his parents, too, but really, I only had eyes for Jesse, and it was a struggle to tear them away. The struggle... it's real.

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Shut up, Einstein. What do you know?


It didn't last nearly long enough, but while it did, it was amazing. Again, there just are not words. I could feel it, though, the music. They made me wish so badly that I could play. It's not too late, but I don't think I could ever be anywhere near their level.

After things fizzled down, Jesse and his mom sat down on the piano bench together. I went running for my phone which I had left in the other room, recording, but it was dead. It died right as I opened the camera application. I really wanted a photo of the two of them like that. It was so sweet. They played and sang together for a little while, and I fell in love all over again; with Jesse, with his family, with the moment, with that life.

South Dakota may not be on my radar anymore. This... what Jesse has here? I don't think anything else could ever compare. It's not worth leaving.

His parents were pretty great, too. I know I only saw them for a few hours and that it was in a very positive setting, but I feel like they actually love eachother. Jesse came from love. Maybe that's the difference. I know it wasn't all peaches and sunshine growing up, not by any means... but I do feel like he is as amazing as he is partially because of that loving start. He was a damn adorable child, by the way. Absolutely precious. I didn't get to spend the time looking at photos that I wanted to, but what I did see was super charming. .....Anyway. Uh. Right. His parents. At one point, his dad bent over to move a wire on the ground. I happened to be looking in that direction, and his mom made direct eye contact with me as she slapped his ass. She and I laughed over it together, and it was good.

I must have made a pretty decent impression on her. I desperately wanted to. I don't know why it's so important to me. I mean, I know why. But it's extra important for some reason. It goes deeper than just wanting my boyfriend's mom to like me. Maybe it's just because I miss my own mom -- not who she is now, but rather who she used to be. Maybe it's because we're similar in some ways, according to Jesse. I don't really know, but while the men were talking, she asked me in a low voice,

"So you like him, huh?"
"I do. I actually rather... think I love him."

As we were walking out the door, I gave her another hug and in return, she gave me a look.
You know. The mom look. The, "I like you, and you're ours now," look. Which, by the way, they said to me. I'm theirs now. ;-;

She also at some point asked when the wedding was. Hurr.
And his dad said I'd fit in juuuust fine after I cracked a KILLER JOKE AT THE END. The friend, Mike? When we were all exchanging names, he told me I could call him whatever, as long as I didn't call him Ted. Ted's his brother and they don't get along, or something. So at the end as we were saying our goodbyes, I looked at him, pointed with a finger gun and went, "So, Ted, right?"


hurr
HUUUUUUURR. 


Really though, I got big laughs and it made me feel good.
I'm so glad we went. I was nervous. So nervous. Nervous enough to not go at all, but I am so, so glad I did. It was perfect.

This is what life is supposed to be.
Now I'm going to go be sleepless next to my sleeping boyfriend and think about how lucky I am to be here.

Later Days.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

The last time I was truly away from my house for an extended period of time was when I was 16 going on 17 and got accidentally (on purpose) stranded in Florida for my birthday by Frank. That was over ten years ago, now. Aside from that, I managed to get away for three days to meet up with Luke for our Blue October concert in 2012, and then for another two for Michael's "graduation party." That was in, gee... 2013, I believe it must have been. So even counting those two trips, I've been literally no where for a minimum of four years. Yikes.

Four years it is though, because I'm currently in Indiana with Jesse.
I believe that also deserves a yikes. So yikes.

It's very difficult to get away. I left Luke and my mother alone for the first time ever. I left Conan without Sari for the first time ever. And I left Piper and Mari together for the first time ever. I'm only just very slightly... a lot nervous about all of that. It seems to be working out though. I've been gone since late Wednesday night, and it is now Saturday morning. Knock on wood, nothing has gone terribly wrong. I guess the house can function without me, though I still subscribe to the idea that it's partially dependent on luck. It would be a very different story if my mom had an ammonia episode, for example. Luke would have to deal with that, assuming he even noticed. Then he'd have to deal with the animals all by himself. Then he'd be all by himself. I don't like to think about it, so I'm plodding along, doing my best to remain oblivious.

He's a good brother. He's determined to hold down the fort so that I don't have to worry, and can have a good time. I appreciate that. The effort doesn't go unnoticed.

So about the visit. There's a few different things I want to touch on, so let's go in order.

1. Gary
On the bus ride down, I met an older gentleman named Gary. Luke and I were standing with him in line while waiting for my bus and we chatted briefly, so when we stopped for what ended up being an hour or so in Columbus, he and I gravitated toward eachother. Gary is part of a dying generation. A generation of good people who are determined to be that way for the sake of it. He was knowledgeable and skilled and dedicated to his family. He didn't say so, but I'm quite certain his wife was no longer with him. He had a son and daughter though, grown, and by the way he talked about them, I could tell he loved them a lot. I could tell he was a good guy too, because when a little Amish toddler looked at us, he smiled. Bad people don't smile at babies. They just don't.


I'm a little jealous of Gary's family. I wonder why I wasn't allowed such a positive male influence in my life; someone to learn from and be guided by. Whenever I come across someone like that, I walk away feeling cheated of something. What exactly, I can't really say, can I? But I know it's something vital and wonderful.

Anyway. Gary was one of those old world types. He was an army vet, probably from Vietnam. He'd recently had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery where they left the tip of a temporary pace maker inside of him. He raises honeybees. We talked about bees extensively. Apparently the honey bee is not native to the Americas. They came expressly from England. We also talked about how the bumble bee is aerodynamically inept, and yet still he flies, albeit not well.

"Well, the term bumbling along had to come from somewhere," I said. He laughed and remarked on how nobody appreciates words anymore (as I sat there in my grammar police shirt), and that launched us into a whole new line of conversation, complaining about the illiteracy of my generation of the next, and the corruption of the public school system.

We talked about a few other things; how conservatism is unpopular these days, but we persist anyway. I told him Jesse was getting into smithing, and he said it was admirable and was something he always wanted to try. He talked to me about building barns and his son's wedding, and Texas. Really, I guess we talked a lot. At the end, he stood up, shook my hand, and said something along the lines of, "Well Myste, that was a lovely conversation. Normally I'm the one who does the listening, but something about you made me want to talk." I really appreciated that. I really wanted to listen. He was a good man, and I wish him the best in his life. He's going to be one of those people who stay with me in my mind years down the road. That's why I wanted to write about him. I want to remember you, Gary, because it was indeed a lovely conversation.

I wish I'd had the opportunity to say goodbye.

2. Jesse
Stepping off of that bus and seeing Jesse though? Oh my. My heart. I was without this boy for what did I say, eleven days? Not even two weeks, but seeing him was like waking up on Christmas morning as a kid. It was a breath of fresh air. I know that's an overused cliche, but when it fits, it fits. He was a breath of fresh air, and it was amazing to step down and see him standing there. I couldn't not smile about it.

This is day three of being with him in his home. It's a much different experience than having him in mine. Since he lives on his own now, there's no one else to juggle or consider. It's just us. There's not even an animal butting into every second (which I rather miss to be honest). It's nice. I like just being with him. Luke keeps asking me why we're not doing anything, but I don't feel like we really need to. I've been enjoying just being. We're getting to know eachother, not just on a deep conversational level, but on a casual one. It's a lot harder to maintain falsities when you're basically living with someone.

You know, I feel I really love this boy. Looking over at him as he plays his dumb LoL ripoff with his boyfriends, my heart fills full. He brings a lot of new and sometimes disturbing challenges to my bland little life, but I absolutely wouldn't trade it. Or him. Jesse has become my first choice. He has been for a long time. And I thought I couldn't love anymore, hurr. He wormed his way in, and every time he leans in for a kiss or slips his hand into mine, that feeling grows. You love someone as much as you possibly can, and then you love them more. That's what's happening here. I know him. I see him. I love him.

If I had any doubts, he broke out the Rainsong guitar today and sang for me. Jesus. Okay. Let me make something clear.

I don't love him because he can play the guitar. I mean. That's hot. >_> When I dreamed up my perfect boyfriend as a teenager, it wasn't exactly Jesse (except for those eyes, shit), but it wasn't all that far off either. That being said, as a mostly-adult, what I find so attractive about that guitar isn't the guitar at all. It's him. As he plays, the concentration, the expressions on his face, the eyebrow thing, the self consciousness he still gets caught in despite the clear confidence in his abilities. As a kid, I wanted a boy who knew how to play the guitar. Now I want this one. Nobody else will do.

I like that he takes a gun to the bathroom with him. "Bathroom gun," he says. Fuckin' nerd.

I can't really explain the feelings. I'm doing a piss poor job, I know. I'm so tired though. Despite being totally at home here, I am just barely sleeping. That's not entirely different than being in PA I suppose, but it doesn't come with the freedom of being able to sleep at any moment's notice, either. I mean, I could. Jesse might even be glad to see it happening. I won't though. I'd just end up laying there.

Whenever I'm in a new place, the scene from the second (?) episode of Evangelion with Shinji waking up in the hospital bed always pops into my mind. He opens his eyes, stares, and solemnly says, "unfamiliar ceiling." That's not the case here, though. It does look familiar. It feels familiar. I've never been here, but it feels so right. Just like Jesse. He just feels right. So does this place. Despite all of my worrying and sleeplessness, Indiana feels... good. Looking around the room now, it needs a good cleaning and decluttering and god forbid someone invests in some proper storage, but it feels right.

It's weird and wonderful and leaving is going to be impossible.

My only real complaint is the water. Uck. It's well water without a filter or softener, and good god, it tastes like I've walked outside and licked a rusting metal pole. I struggle to really even brush my teeth. Sorry, Jesse. <<; I'm just a city girl spoiled by city regulated water. Plus, it makes everything yellow. That'd be a real bitch to fight against all of the time.

I want to keep writing. The fingers are willing but the mind is dying.
Oh god, I'm not even going to proof read. Sorry for the typos.
See you, space cowboy.

Thanksgiving 2017 Pt. 2

If there was a moment where I fell in love with Jesse the being, rather than the text and voice, it was that first night. Sure didn't take long, did it? At some point I sat down on the floor, put a pillow on my lap, and he laid his head down on it. I just... traced his features and stroked the bridge of his nose and really looked at him for the first time, since he had his eyes closed and I didn't have to deal with the pressure of actually being seen. And my goodness, what a boy. After a very short while, I realized he was asleep and my heart, Jesus... I have something about vulnerability. That is my soft spot, and he fell right into it, and just... augh. ಠ益ಠ Moving on, then.


The 22nd

Bethy was supposed to be arriving today, but ended up contracting a cold and didn't come. ): It was a tough and terrible call, but I do believe it was the right one. God knows, I've been sick, what, four times this year already? My immune system was shot, and the last thing I wanted was to be sick around Jesse. Crisis averted, right? ...Wrong-o. I had noticed it the night before but passed it off as nerves; my stomach was killing me. It was so bad, I didn't even bother trying to make the desserts I was supposed to have ready for tomorrow. Goodbye, sweet pumpkin roll.

It just figures though, doesn't it? I spend some five or six years being so irregular I begin doubting that I can even have babies, but the month Jesse comes to visit, the day he comes to visit, my period shows up like clockwork. Thanks, body. You're a real pal. And
it was a bad one, too. :/ So bad that when Jesse, Luke, and I went to Beto's, I couldn't even enjoy it. I ordered two pieces and ate most of one. Food just made everything so much worse. We came home and pretty much just laid there together, because I was a useless lump and couldn't get past the pain. I guess it's good he knows what he's in for in the future, but I still wish it wouldn't have happened. I had to think real hard about what we even did this day, because it just sort of melted into the others.

KIMG2181
( <3 )

He was so sweet about it, though. Either he's giving me unrealistic expectations, or I really lucked out with this one. *wistful sigh*


The 23rd - Thanksgiving

Today was the day. For the most part, I felt better. The pain was still there, but either I was able to shove it away from the forefront of my mind, or it was significantly less intense. I got up around 11am and cooked until about 7pm. Woo. It was kind of nice, though. I'd started early enough that I didn't feel much pressure and was able to take my time with things. Going back and forth from the garage (food storage) and kitchen took me through the den, where I'd sneak by the still sleeping Jesse, and there was something nice about that. In addition to the joy of just seeing him there, I really like being the only one awake in the house. My mom had left for Sue's, and both my boys were still asleep. It was very safe, and very serene, and one of those moments that's just so... right.

I need a new adjective, but "right" is what comes to mind every time. It really did feel right.

I feel like I'll enjoy moments like these most in the future. As I get older and accumulate more people in my household, specifically little people, and even more so on holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving, I see myself appreciating the early mornings when I'm awake doing matriarch stuff. There's some really stupid movie in theaters right now called Bad Moms or something, and in the trailer, there is a quote that they portray as negative, but you know... I really love it. The quote is, "We're moms. We don't enjoy, we give joy." ._.

I may not be a mom yet, but I basically am. I do all of the mom things, and dad things for that matter, and it always falls upon me to be the one giving joy. I clean, decorate, organize, and pull things together. I make the Thanksgiving dinner. I carve the turkey. I provide the joy to the people I care for. That, in turn, makes me happy. This was pretty much my attitude throughout the day.

Eventually Jesse, then much later Luke, got up and headed out to do boy stuff on Luke's car. I waited a while and crept around the side of the house to smile at them in secret. It was nice to see. I was afraid Luke would feel weird around Jesse, or maybe even let the past prevent him from liking Jesse at all. That didn't seem like the case though, and I was really happy to see them going off to do something without me, even if it was mostly functional and a little awkward. I must say though, I felt Beth's lack of presence at that moment. I wish she had been there. We should have been taking the time to talk about the men while they were out of the house. <_< Instead, it got a little quiet. Next year.

My mom came home around that time, and a few hours later, we were sitting around the dinner table with a 14lb turkey, homemade stuffing, a bacon and cheddar green bean casserole, fresh cranberry sauce, a tub of creamy mashed potatoes, gravy made from the drippings and giblets, and dinner rolls from scratch, between us.


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(Genius here forgot to take a photo of the turkey pre-carving. RIP. It was a beautiful bird.)

J/k, I messed up the dinner rolls. Luckily I had some Pillsbury biscuits in the fridge as backup. Note to self, giving yeast dough time to rise is great, but it doesn't stay risen forever. >>; I don't know why I didn't just bake them. Oh well.

I kept stealing glances at Jesse as we ate. It was just so good to have him there. >< I felt like if I looked away too long, maybe I'd realize I was actually just rocking back and forth in a padded room at some psych hospital. Afterall, life can't be that good, can it? Apparently, it can. Plus, it felt good to feed him actual food. I'd made him a fancy sammich the previous night, but that doesn't really count as cooking. This was the first (and so far, only) time I'd ever made him dinner, and as that is a big way I show my affection toward people, it was important to me.

We all went our separate ways afterwards, my mom and Luke up to bed, and Jesse and I down into the den where we spooned and just generally enjoyed life. Despite ruining the rolls, not having honey OR lemon for my cranberry sauce, and very slightly overcooking the turkey, it was a really good day. I feel like that's what holidays with the family should be like... relaxing and full of positive things. No awkward or forced conversation, fights over (worldly or familial) politics, or drunken people you don't really know asking you the same life questions for the 6th year in the row, well knowing neither of you cares.


The 24th

Jesse and I pretty much just took this day for ourselves. He'd be leaving tomorrow, Luke was working, and I just wanted to be with him. We wasted time doing a lot of nothing. Went to Costco and GE (or was that Tuesday?), watched a billion episodes of Longmire, ordered Doughboy's, browsed eachother's youtube interests. I believe it was also this morning when he saw me squeeze my toothpaste from the middle and gave me this face. ---> ಠ╭╮ಠ

Hurr.

It was a casual day tainted with the thought that he'd be leaving the following morning sometime. But it was still a good day. It's uh, safe to say we made the most of our alone time and enjoyed every bit of it. Went up to the Mt. Washington overlook that night and had a good time. It was nice to do something kind of... romantic. Pretty sure we both really liked that.

KIMG2177
( Who wouldn't want to spend time with that? Sorry, I was laughing at something. >_>
Really though. Look at that face. Just... augh. )

During this time, it hit me hard how amazing it was to be spending time with someone who also wanted to spend time with me. ._. We held hands and did silly (innocent) teenager stuff behind a tree, and I wouldn't trade any of it.


The 25th - Dawn of the Final Day

More Doughboy's, more Longmire, more spooning, and then it was time for him to leave. I was absolutely determined not to cry, which let's be honest, was a joke from the very beginning. I did cry. Worse than I thought I would. It was just... heart wrenching. I sat in his car in the driveway, waiting "for the car to heat up," holding my breath and looking away every 30 seconds to maintain my composure. I should have just gone with him, but Alyssa's birthday was coming up and I had agreed to go to some craft class with my mom, BJ, and Britney. I couldn't leave. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

It was so hard to open that door, step out, and let my hand fall away from his. I was in tears before I'd even touched the ground. It was... irrational. We'd already booked my bus ticket for December 6th. I'd be seeing him again in less than two weeks, but my god. What did I say a few sentences ago, that it was heart wrenching? It was, absolutely an awful thing to pull myself away from him and watch him drive away. I tried. I tried so hard not to cry, but it just kept coming.

Just as I watched his headlights grow brighter, I watched his tail lights dim and disappear. Then I went back inside and sobbed into a shirt and pillow that smelled like him, and pretty much haven't stopped hurting about it since.


Epilogue, and other things.

It's really difficult to be away from him. It's made worse because it's also difficult for him to be away from me. I think maybe it's more tolerable to miss someone if it's somewhat one-sided, because you can rationalize all of the reasons why you're apart. However when you both desperately want to be together and you aren't, well... you sit there and endlessly wonder why.

I have a feeling that's going to be a pretty large part of my life over the next year. Normally I am a big advocate and believer in delayed gratification. In this case, I hate the term. I don't WANT delayed gratification. I want him. Even now, he's only been gone six days. Just six. It feels like a god damn lifetime. Six days gone, six days until I see him again. Six days too long, let me tell you.

*sighs*

Before I wrap this up, I have one major thing to talk about, and that... is this.


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(You may or may not have noticed the blur of it on my previous photo.)

Keep the squealing to a minimum. It's just a promise ring.
"Just a promise ring," she says as she slips on her shades and remains cool about it, totally nonflustered and not at all giddy on the inside, rite.

The story is that Jesse's 18-year-old uncle died, and his then-girlfriend returned the ring to his mom, Jesse's granny. o3o Then she gave it to him, and well... now it's mine, and I feel very fortunate to have it. It means... a lot. More than words can really express. As if the gesture and meaning of a promise ring weren't enough. ~_~

And it fits.
That means something, doesn't it.

God... what did I do to deserve all of this? Do I, even? I'm not going to question it too much.

Later Days~

Thanksgiving 2017 Pt. 1

I'm going to break this post up into a few different ones, because I don't think I can handle posting about it all at once. There are so many feelings and emotions that no single post can contain them. No single Myste can contain them. That being said, here's part one.


The 21st

Well, it's happened. One chapter closed, another one has opened, and I am ready for it. I want it. For the first time in a long time, I am not only open to change, but eager for it. I am ready to leave the life I've lead behind and embark on something new; or perhaps not new, per se. Something fabled. Something I've always wanted and always longed after, but past a certain point in my life, was pretty sure I'd not have. As I've said more than once in this journal, I wasn't even sure it truly existed.

Now here it is. Or more accurately, here he is. So let's get with the entry, shall we?
As mentioned previously, I invited Jesse for Thanksgiving.

I was nervous about it as the day drew nearer, and especially after he said he was on his way. It was made worse because I couldn't talk to him much on the trip. There were things to be done and demands on my attention, and the whole time, I could feel things slowly shifting around and becoming unsteady within myself. I'm not sure how else to describe it. There was just... some change, something building up to a crescendo. And then it happened, in a moment. Something fell away. Some final layer of reserve and doubt, I think. The very last of my protective wall, maybe. It crumbled.

It happened as I was looking out my kitchen window, and I saw his headlights.
The world went... bright. Or vibrant. Or maybe it just looked real to me again. Life was finally happening, and god, I was desperate for it.

In theory, knowing he was so close, I'd have run a comb through my hair or gone up to assure myself that I was in some faintly presentable state. In reality, I flew out the door without a coat or... god, was I even wearing shoes? In hindsight, I don't think I was, stood on my porch, and waited. As determined as I was to see him first, I think I forgot and put myself in the line of fire, because I just... I wanted the moment so badly.

And then there he was, and I had the vague thought that if I was hugging him, he wouldn't be able to look at how fat and unattractive I was, but mostly, god, I just... I wanted to hug him.

First impressions. Man. Nervous. He was nervous. He was so nervous, I became less nervous. A little awkward, even, which I hadn't expected. Again mentioned previously, Jesse had always been this unflappable, driving force in my mind. To see him a little unsure of himself was... it humanized him. It made me realize that he was real. He wasn't just some words on a screen or a voice in my ear, he was a physical being that was standing before me and, my god, he was imposingly... beautiful.

Imposingly beautiful. That's not quite right. "Imposing" carries a negative connotation, and it was a very positive thing. "Beautiful" pertains mostly to someone's looks, and that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about his looks or my level of attraction to him (although if we must... ಠ益ಠ!!!). There was something deeper. He just... he just... HE JUST LOOKED RIGHT, OKAY? He looked... right.

Like putting a crucial piece into an unfinished puzzle, and finally seeing the image for what it should be. He just... he... looked... right.

Second impressions. Tall. He was taller than I expected him to be. I like it (ಠ益ಠ again).
And then we did hug, and it was just... I'm not even going to try for this one, there were no words. Let's just say that also felt incredibly right. Like, where has this boy been my whole fucking life? OH RIGHT, BEING KEPT AT ARM'S LENGTH, the fuck. In a complete 180, I now want to essentially osmosis myself to him and never be apart, ever. But that's something else entirely.

And if you think all of that sounds dramatic, well gee, after we met my mother and carried a few things in, he stopped me on the steps and kissed me, and just... excuse me, click this.

He was just magical. ._. Everything about him was magical.
We laid on my bed for a while and took eachother in, went out to Eat n Park for dinner, and that was the night.

....

Actually, that wasn't the whole night, but I'll write about the rest another time, because I have reached my feels capacity.
Stay tuned for part two. Or whatever.


[[EDIT]]

I've had a revelation. ._. I think I'm... happy.
In a general sense, I think I might actually be happy. My life is still a seemingly endless shitstorm. God, I was just crying and fighting with my mother not two days ago, and it was an awful fucking day, and yet in the shadow of that, I think I might actually be happy.

What even. Is.. is that you, Myste? It's been so long.
And it's all that damn Jesse's fault. ಠ益ಠ
I need to go.. slap his stupid face. With my lips.

I mean. wut.

My life is about to change in a pretty major way. Despite being incredibly fat, really, fatter than I've ever been before (and hopefully ever will be), I invited Jesse to Thanksgiving.

._.

Yeah. Fuck. What was I thinking.

Oh, right. I was thinking of my boyfriend sitting in his man panties, alone, consuming a dozen wings and an entire pizza. Can't let that happen. Not to say it necessarily would have, but .... that's the image that came to mind, and proceeded to haunt me until the invitation came spewing out of my mouth, not entirely dissimilar to that fish dinner from Cracker Barrel a few months ago (gross).

So I took the plunge and now he'll be here in less than 48 hours. Ah. AHH?
Fry

It's kind of a fascinating thing. I know it's unfair to compare, but I can't help but think how it took me prodding and poking and begging Jeff to get his ass down here, and he still failed (hence the breakup). Yet here's Jesse, not even three months in, on his way tomorrow. The circumstances are very different but the variance between the two outcomes is not lost on me.

I'm where I should be. That's what this is all telling me. This is right.
I just wish I weren't so fat.

The need for this meet-up is really quite overwhelming. I was determined to make him wait until at least February, but once I resigned myself to the 21st, it was done and I just wanted it to be here. I still just want it to be here. 48 hours is much too close, but more than that, much too far away. I guess it's all pent up, not just from the past few months, not just residual from my last relationship, but perhaps from way back in 2008-ish when he first told me he was going to come see me because he needed someone real in his life, and he was convinced that person was me.

Turns out he wasn't wrong, but was just some nine years too eager.

Thinking about it now, it's funny he said such things to me so far back. Pretty much since the beginning. He's said a lot of things to me over the years that have turned out to be far more accurate than I could have guessed, despite the habit of coming in and out of eachother's lives as consistently willy-nilly as we did.

Consistently willy-nilly. Bit of an oxymoron there.

In vain, I tried to explain this to him; this time right now, this time before we see eachother, is precious. It's a time that will never be again. It marks a huge milestone in our lives that you can never go back to once it's passed. It's like a couple's time before becoming parents, for example. Becoming parents is a wonderful thing, but the period before two becomes three is also a wonderful thing. It's something that can never be again. Once it's gone, it's gone, and you can never go back. That's kind of like what's happening here. It's monumental. It's a part of our lives we're leaving behind as we enter a new phase, and it's going to be a wonderful new phase, but there's something to be said for the anticipatory quality of the right now. It will never be again.

Like when he was trying to tell me he loves me. I was eager for it. I wanted it so bad, but once it happened, the thrill of listening to him try to force it out would be gone. And it is. And I'm thankful that I can just say it whenever I want. I love you. But there was something to be said for that innocent, yearning angst of waiting for it for the first time. It's got a nostalgic appeal, and I look back on it very fondly. Does this make sense, at all? I feel like I'm just talking in circles. Ah well. Someone, somewhere understands.

Here we are now, about to close another chapter. Fond nostalgia or not, I can hardly wait. ._.
I want to touch his face. And set eyes upon him. And... some other stuff.

It just cannot come soon enough.

United We Stand

Saturday was Trunk-or-Treat at the drive-in. I've participated in it with Beth/Luke/both for four(?) years running now. It's a great time. We go overboard and make treat bags, and give out glow-sticks. It's pretty good stuff. You make a lot of kids happy that way. About 200, to guess. Since we don't get trick-or-treaters at my house, this has filled the void -- and hey, it makes me happy, too. There's no harm in that.

Beth -- "Three adults???"

I'm not writing to talk about Trunk-or-Treat, though.

The Dependable Drive-In is owned by an old war vet and his wife. I have seen them practically my entire life. That place... I have a very strong emotional attachement to it. It feels like home. I have more memories there than any other "fun" place growing up. If anything epitomizes my childhood, it is the Dependable Drive-In. Mind you, this includes everything from swearing to god I've seen some dancing UFO lights in the sky, to watching a particular row of trees gradually get higher and higher. Even as I've grown older, it continues to be a big part of my life. That being said, every so often something happens that reinforces that sentiment in my heart.

As we're all sick and tired of hearing, some nameless assclown started this asinine practice of kneeling to show disrespect to the flag during football games. Said nonsense has spread and spiraled out of control, and I'd say the country is pretty divided on it. Just one more thing to separate us by color and politics, huh? Because that's what we need here in America; more hate. They claim to be protesting "police brutality" and "oppression," but I'd like to see them attend their sportsball games without armed security, or better yet, try to move to another country and garner even half of the idolization they experience here in racist, ol USA. Best still, I'd like to see them get real jobs and stop raking in the million dollar paychecks each year from this country that oppresses them so terribly.

*grinds teeth*

So with these "idols" influencing the masses, it is no longer standard to show respect to the flag that represents this great country, nor the song that has bolstered our spirits for years. The Dependable plays the National Anthem before each showing, and has been doing so for a few years now. This year at Trunk-or-Treat, I was nervous. I was wondering how many people would make a show of kneeling, how many would boo or throw stuff, or complain to the owner about how much of a bigot he is. Instead, I was surprised. The anthem began to play, people fell silent, and many of them stood.

Whole families got out of their cars or off of their blankets, came out from the snack stand, and put their hands over their hearts. Including me. And when it was over... they cheered. They clapped, and cheered, and it was a beautiful moment.

It indeed made me proud to be an American, and gave me hope for the future.
It also made me love the Dependable that much more.



Later Days.

Saw the kids and Mandy yesterday. c: Alex is getting so tall. He's up to Luke's brow line now. It's crazy. And his voice, gosh. It makes me a little sad. He'll be 14 on the 17th. It's amazing. He's becoming such a wonderful kid. A wonderful person.

Alyssa and Andrew, too. Alyssa looked adorable today. I gave her a big chapter book and she seemed really interested. I hope she does read and enjoy it. I want her to be a reader, partially because it'll be good for her (she's an intelligent little booger), but mostly because I want someone to share books with. >__> She's my girl. I've decided.

Andrew was very sweet today. He's still little enough that he wants (and is able) to climb all over you, sit on you, be picked up, etc. We all laid down to watch Ponyo and he came to lay on the floor with me. He put his head right next to mine and angled toward me, and it was super sweet. ;o; I realized a bit later that we were also both shaking our foot. The same foot. At the same pace. The same way. Exactly.

Freakin.... cute, man. T~T Love that kid, desperately. Love them all, desperately.

Today also marks the official 1 month, 30 day mark for Jesse and me. So yay for that. I'm not going to celebrate it every month. We're not in middle school. But it's still a fun milestone.

<3

Also, MORGAN IF YOU READ THESE PLEASE FIND ME. I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I FEEL SO EMPTY WITHOUT YOU pleasecomebacktome.

Later Days.

Hour of Thought

A few days ago, Alex texted me at 2am on a school night. This wasn't rare during the summer, but I was pretty surprised he was awake at that hour now that school's back in. Artificially surprised, anyway. The kid is basically me, afterall. I can't be TOO surprised.

He proceeded to tell me that 2am was his, "hour of thought." Hilarious.
And that "humanity would be so much better with really long fingers."

Fuckin' died, I did. Beth and me both.
Good god, I love that kid.

Tags:

Due for an update?

Things are going really well between Jesse and me. It's such a peculiar thing, to be here again -- I say again, but I've never really been exactly here, have I? Just somewhere similar. This time, I seem to be moving faster through the motions. I was never the type to fall quickly. I'm far to smart and cautious for that. And yet... well, things are moving a lot faster than I thought they would. I chalk it up to this just being a long time coming.

I mean, goodness. I've known him since 2008, let's say. From the very beginning, there was the suggestion of something, and off and on throughout our lives, it would reappear and fade away. I avoided him most times for this very reason, as consistently either I was otherwise engaged, or he was. Two-ish years ago, after both of our romantic (not into this word but what else is an antonym for platonic?) lives collapsed around us, when he really pursued me for the first time, I was just not ready. I had lost myself so thoroughly, and just could not seem to find me again. My heart was locked up in a box and I had built a wall around myself, each brick consisting of its own special little sadness, frustration, or grievance, whether imagined or otherwise, and soldered into place with intransigent resignation.

Basically, I was a lost cause.

But then came Jesse with his hammer and pick, there to chip, chip, chip away at my barricade, damnit. And so he did. Ever since, it's all but crumbled away, leaving behind a scrubbed pink, chafed heart. I was pretty sure I'd lost it, but there it was. Now it's fluttered away on me again, like a caged bird who'd been counting the moments until someone opening its pen might be caught unawares enough that it could bolt for its freedom.

Deliverance, is the word. But really, who casually uses terms like that, these days.
What I'm trying to say is that I've fallen pretty fast, and pretty hard. That's the simple truth of it.

I've reached the point already where I'm trying to fit his presence in everyday, nonsensical situations -- ordinary circumstances that mean absolutely nothing, and yet absolutely everything. When I can do so with virtually no effort put forth, I start to miss it. I miss something that has yet to exist. It's some scary stuff, let me tell you. And the scariest part of it all, is that I think most of this is mutual. I'm not alone in it this time, and neither is he. That, if nothing else, makes this one different. It makes him different.

It makes him dangerous, too.
Dangerouse.

When something is as real as this feels, it has the potential to wreak catastrophic damage. Having been there before, exactly there, I am afraid.
I'm afraid, but I'm going for it. I'm in it to win it, for better or for worse.

Because at the end of the day, I too now have the potential to wreak catastrophic damage upon him -- and with that comes a responsibility not to.

I take responsibilities like that very seriously.



To finish off, I'd like to impart some non-love related wisdom.
If you have but two blankets, do not wash them at the same time. You will forget about them, and consequent be left with no blankets, and no sleep.

Just as I have been.

Yesterday was a good day. Not everything was perfect. In fact, I didn't feel good through most of it, and yet, it was still a good day. Jesse and I miced and played Civ for several hours, and I can say without doubt, it has been a long time since I have felt that genuinely happy. Even more so, listening to him mumble inconsequentially to himself, my heart did that little flipping thing that I was pretty sure it was no longer capable of. It startled me a little. For a half of a nano-second, I couldn't even identify the feeling. It has been years, afterall. But it was there.

I feel a little awkward saying so. Afterall, this is the resurfacing of a Myste that was dead, buried, and decomposed. It's a zombie Myste, and as such, feels foreign. It's a version of myself that used to be all of myself, and then suddenly none of myself. And now it's here again. Hello, my old heart.

Laying in bed this morning, after actually getting some (albeit broken) sleep for the first time in -- weeks? months? -- I was thinking about it all; about what it means, what it could mean, what it meant to individual people, and future dreams. It's not like when you're a kid or teenager. Your decisions now hold adult consequences. Didn't I just write about that recently, or have I just been stewing on it for a while? Even positive decisions hold their consequences, not necessarily bad, but not always good, either.

What will this do to my relationship with Luke? My brother. My little brother. My co-parented child, until a few years ago. What about with my friends? Beth, Starr, what does it mean for them? Or to them? If anything. And my little cousins, what about them? This is assurance that even if I did not leave for South Dakota, I will leave someday.

All of this weighs down upon you when thinking about potentially life altering choices such a this one... but in the end, I went for it. I actually asked Jesse, not the other way around. I mean, he's made his intentions clear from the beginning. You know, the beginning, which started "a gazillion years" ago, according to him. It's not like there was much risk involved. My heart still raced, though.

And I think that's a good thing. It means it's still there.

When I was a kid, I had this old AIM avatar that I liked a lot, but never used. It said, "I didn't fall for you, you tripped me."
That seems pretty accurate. >> You know what they say though; third time's the charm.

So here we are. I now have a boyfriend. I am someone's girlfriend. That's pretty scary, but you know... I think it'll be a good thing.


I've gone full circle with this song now, funny enough.
Later Days.

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